A “Secret Fear” That Keeps You Fat

Here’s a thought for the day…

“It’s not arrogant for a flower to bloom.”

I wish I came up with that myself, but I actually heard it third hand – a friend of mine got it from a teacher in her yoga class. The teacher was saying that realizing your full potential is something that embarrasses a lot of people…

Think about that for a moment. It may sound strange, but it’s very true. Nobody ever looks at a flower and thinks, “Wow that plant is so arrogant!  What a show off that plant is.”

But most people, especially women, feel like there is something embarrassing about even ADMITTING to the vision of what they want to be… or look like.

It sounds selfish and shallow to want to walk through the world as a beautiful person with a beautiful body. Somehow in our society there is this idea that if you want to be the very best YOU that you can be, it’s a little bit arrogant. As if you should be ashamed about wanting to really blossom into something beautiful and wonderful.

Society, your friends, maybe even your family, reinforce this negative idea. Think about this for a minute… really think about it:

How would your best friend feel if you suddenly started getting really into working on your health and body?

How would she feel if you really TRANSFORMED into somebody who was as beautiful and radiant on the outside as you already knew that you COULD BE?

Sure, your friend would be happy for you…

But also, unless your friend is a VERY special and evolved person, there would probably be some resentment that you’ve changed, that you’ve improved, that you’ve blossomed and realized your full potential… and she has not. It’s not evil, it doesn’t make her a bad friend.  It’s simply human nature.

But it’s very self-defeating.

And yet, as I said, nobody ever thinks a flower is arrogant or a show off when it blooms into radiant color. Why not?

Because for a flower, blooming is simply the natural and right thing to do. Flowers are supposed to bloom.  It’s “God’s plan.”  Nature doesn’t want the flower to be modest.

In reality there is no lack of modesty in the flower realizing its full potential and

opening up to the sunlight to show off all of its dazzling color.

And it’s exactly the same for you.

Look, I realize that this might sound like some new-agey, mumbo-jumbo. It’s not.

If you are totally honest with yourself, you have to admit that part of the reason that you’re not enjoying fully blooming into the person that you COULD BE is that on some level you don’t believe that you DESERVE it.

You feel like suddenly losing weight, getting into shape, taking care of your body, and becoming beautiful would make you shallow or beauty obsessed, or that people would say, “Look at her, all she ever does is show off how HEALTHY she is.”

Are you afraid that you wouldn’t know how to live that life – that it might be hard being beautiful and not having the excuse of being heavy any more?

Maybe you are afraid of being judged unworthy of being beautiful. That is a very destructive (and common) habit that CAN be broken. The truth is, God, or nature, or evolution, or whatever you believe made the rules of the universe… WANTS you to bloom.

Like the flower, that’s what you are SUPPOSED to do.

I’m going to tell you an important, life changing secret:

It is not arrogant to bloom.

If you could learn to actually believe this one little thing about yourself, it would DRAMATICALLY change the quality of your life and it would make it much easier for you to achieve your health and body goals (not to mention your financial

and relationship goals as well).

So I’d like you to ask yourself– do YOU think that it’s arrogant to bloom?

Is it shallow or selfish to want to be beautiful, or want to achieve the very best body,

the very best health, the very best of everything you can be? When I lay it out like that, I know that in your heart you probably have some uneasy feelings that maybe it IS a bit selfish to want to be beautiful.

If you believe in something bigger than yourself, do you think that you were created and given a spirit and an AWARENESS of your spirit just so that you could live a life of internal and constant struggle?

If you believe in evolution, do you think that millions of years of trial, error, survival, and reproduction were all so that you could just “get by,” or rather so that you could PROSPER and be the most successful and best human animal that you

could be?

If you believe in karma, physics, mother nature, or ANYTHING else, if you have anything in your life that lets you zoom out and see the big picture of life, then you must see that it is your DESTINY to be the BEST YOU that you can be.

It is what the world needs from you.  If you don’t do it, no one else will do it for you.

Let me say that again…

NO ONE ELSE WILL DO IT FOR YOU.

There has NEVER been a person that is exactly like you.  You are a unique individual with a unique story. Your life cannot be replaced, nor can it be repeated. If you don’t realize your potential, if YOU don’t grow to your fullest, there will never be another opportunity, and it will be lost forever.

Your life is ready and waiting to bloom.  Give yourself permission to reach for the sunlight. If you could talk yourself into this one idea, if you could honestly believe in the depths of your heart that it is not arrogant to bloom, that it is not AT ALL selfish to want health, beauty, success, and happiness on EVERY level…

…If you honestly believed that it would be a VIRTUE to bloom, like the flower, giving your gifts to the world…

…If you could change that one idea in your mind, it would be MUCH easier to achieve and keep ALL your goals in life.  Especially your health, fitness, and weight goals.

I KNOW it works, because I am the proof along with all of the friends and clients of mine who have succeeded by changing their mindset about this one thing.

It’s possible for you too.

Enjoy blooming.

Wacky

Behaving in a silly or random way in order to appear funny.

The Art of Relationships

Every person you meet is a mirror. When we share love, we see love. When we share kindness, we find kindness. When we hold onto anger, we experience anger. When we desire control, we feel controlled.

When we want another to “do it our way” we rob them of their own soul’s dignity. In reality, we don’t know the greater why, how, what, or when the gift of their own awareness, learning, growth or upliftment will bloom.

Who are we to presume we know what another truly needs?

If you could consider everything that bothers you about a person or situation to be a reflection of what you think, believe or judge, you would experience joy beyond measure as you meet and accept the you that you see in others.

This isn’t easy stuff to get the hang of. It hurts, stings, and is a royal pain in the you-know-what when we begin the journey of letting go and opening to the greater truth contained in our loving heart. However, I can tell you that if you hang in there, your life will become much easier and more fulfilling than you ever dreamed possible.

I’m not sure we ever stop wanting to change the “other” in our life until we stop trying to change ourselves. Our ego will always tell us if we change our environment, situation, circumstance, etc. things will be better.

We keep from falling back into our old routines and habits by allowing ourselves to grow naturally.  What is forced doesn’t have a chance to grow roots, what is nurtured grows strong.

If you could recognize that a fight is nothing more than a cry for love,

“see me, hear me, love me” then compassion is born. Fighting fairly is to allow yourself vulnerability without taking what the other person is saying or doing personally – it is taking care of yourself and then learning how to take care of others.

Sometimes the best way to fight fairly is to just walk away for a while and calm down.  Even a shower sometimes does the trick.  Take a deep breath and choose to come from your loving heart. This sometimes means putting yourself in their shoes.

It doesn’t serve you well to “pretend” things don’t bother you. Nor does it serve you well to blame another for your upset response. The upset, theirs or yours, is real.

Instead take a look at it this way:

I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m upset, and the host of other feelings, both positive and negative, are all accurate expressions of feelings… when we say “I’m upset because…” It’s the ‘because’ that creates separation. This is the mind’s interpretation of “why” the upset, sadness or anger occurred.

Be patient, compassionate, and gentle with yourself. You will find the art of relationships becomes the art of loving everyone – especially yourself.

Human Relations in Nursing Evaluation

They say change is always a good thing but I wonder if that’s really true. Is change always good or is that a statement we make just to make ourselves feel good about the change?

In the past years my life has been through a huge rollercoaster ride on both a interpersonal and intrapersonal level and it all involved change. Changes that made me happy at times and most of them that made me sad, cry or wonder why all this is really happening to me. Adjusting to the change has not been very easy for me and most of the time has been a very emotional experience which most of the times leaves me feeling alone because nobody can understand the emotional turmoil that I go through dealing with it.

Do you like changes in your life? Whether we embrace change or resist it, the fact is, change happens.

Some changes are natural, like walking, talking, the first day of school. We celebrate these changes with pictures, announcements, scrapping notes on a journal so as to remember that on that day, a change had happened. We call our friends and chat about our new agenda, or we got a new job. These changes are positive. They give us a sense of joy.

What about celebrating the changes that we aren’t that thrilled about, that don’t give us the warm fuzzies inside? These are the losses in our lives. The changes that we don’t expect. The events that make us reach down deep to find the strength to get through them. The changes, that once we accept them, we can see that they had to happen, to bring us to the place where we are in life today.

What about celebrating the in between times, when we are anticipating change, but they aren’t happening quickly enough, or according to our time table? We wait to get a call for an interview from the hospital where we submitted our resume into. We wait to hear about the test results. We wait for word on a contract. We wait, we wait, we wait. We might feel like our lives are in limbo. If we celebrate waiting on these opportunities, we can be happier in the moment, and not so attached to the outcome.

These are what I have firmly seen while taking the human relations class. At first, it was just like I have to take the subject just to fill in the units in my master’s degree. I never really thought of it as relevant as it is to me now. This class is just one of the things or medium that brought changes into my life. And the professor whom I thought would be so hard to deal with because of the impression marked in me that she can be lenient, turned out to be one of the most inspiring person I have met. She talks ardently about life and her experiences. I so love the subject because it talks about life, and me as a lover of life would greatly be fond of it. Celebrating the changes that aren’t joyous, and perhaps aren’t happening according to when we want them, open us up to being more positive and accepting to the ups and downs of life. It might take years to adjust to some life changes, in order to reach a point of celebration. But the times of joy do come. In hindsight we can see that the bad events also happen for our ultimate good.

I have seen the bad events in my life turn around and become things I celebrate almost daily. I celebrate having some fears and doubts today. Years ago, I would have scoffed at the idea. Today, I fully understand that my losses has a positive purpose in my life. To teach, to show mercy, to inspire, to challenge others. I don’t celebrate “disability” — I celebrate ability. I recognize ability in myself and in all people.

Now my life is going to go through a bigger change, probably the most significant change in my life…. commitments.. a shift… job… everything that was constant in my life is now going to change some of which i am really happy about, some of which i hope i wouldn’t have to go through and some which just make me wonder if I am making the right tradeoff and I have battled with myself enough and there is no right answer. When there is a change there is a reason and most of the time there is always an option and it’s really up to you to choose what you want or sometimes circumstances choose it for you. Thus I learned that if it’s a change you choose don’t complain and if not just deal with it.

We all have events and issues in our lives that are not typically things we want to celebrate. But these events are also part of the fabric of who we are, and the fact that we have moved through them, deserves celebration. We are more fully ourselves, and stronger because of these events.

So basically, my whole insight is that life is all about changes. Whether you like it or not, it would bound to happen. Whether you want it or not, it would still bound to happen.

Instead of complaining about it, it is more advisable to focus your energy to learn more about the changes and get the best out of it. It is true that when these changes take place, it wont be easy to withstand all that comes but with persistent and determination, one would be able to tackle these changes and actually become stronger.

If you are facing changes now, have no fear. Embrace it and you will grow for the better!

Emotional Intelligence

This got to be one of my favorite topic- Emotional Intelligence. My Emotional Intelligence is my level of awareness of my emotional state of being. Emotional Intelligence is a measure of my ability to be Emotional with conscious-awareness. Being Emotional is consciously knowing, seeing and/or feeling my own personal energetic state of being. Being Emotional is not being emotionally reactive. Reacting in a negative emotional state i.e. anger, frustration, intolerance, is a sign of non-awareness, ignorance and an absence of emotional intelligence.

We react with a low level of emotional intelligence and we are able to respond positively with a high level of emotional intelligence.

For me, emotional Intelligence is knowing my own exclusive level of Self-Confidence to make my own choices with authority; feeling my own unique level of Self-Worth that gives me the power to fulfill my own choices; seeing my own individual level of Self-Esteem that results from having the special ability to connect to my own unique power and exclusive authority.

Recently, I have just learned that there is a direct correlation between emotional intelligence and sexual gratification in women. It was said that Emotional Intelligence seems to have a direct impact on women’s sexual functioning by influencing her ability to communicate her sexual expectations and desires to her partner. I can see that if one has a high EQ, he becomes an achiever in many things.

If I were to tell you that there’s one thing you can do for yourself that will put you miles ahead of the masses, in terms of your professional and personal success, would you want to know what it is? I bet you would, and who wouldn’t? Truth be told, the #1 predictor of personal excellence and overall achievement in life is E.I., and I’m not talking about Employment Insurance. E.I. stands for Emotional Intelligence.

In all honesty when I first heard of emotional intelligence I thought it was all “fluff”, but the more I read, the more I discovered it was anything but “fluff”. Furthermore, unlike our I.Q. and personality, which are primarily fixed, emotional intelligence is not. Emotional intelligence is flexible. We can actually change our emotional intelligence, and there’s plenty of reasons to do so.

A common misconception is that EQ refers to being “touchy feely” and “kissing butt”, and a lot of people are repulsed by these thoughts. However, EQ is really your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others. It also includes your ability to manage your behavior, and relationships. There are really four main skills that make up Emotional Intelligence. The first two, self-awareness and self management are more about you. This makes good sense if you think about it. After all, if you can’t manage yourself and your own feelings and reactions, it’s pretty hard to do so for others. The latter two skills involved in Emotional Intelligence are social awareness, and relationship management. These skills deal primarily with your ability to relate to and understand others. Once again if you’ve ever worked for a tyrannical boss, or somebody who is just plain old hard to get along with, you know what I’m talking about.

The old saying, “It’s not what you know but who you know that counts”, has been around for years. But is there any truth to that statement? Absolutely! Life is all about relationships, and relationships are all about emotional intelligence. Look at it this way. If you were the boss and had to pick people to work for you, would you select people who are difficult to work with, or that you don’t like or get along with – of course you wouldn’t because you’re  human. And it’s our emotions that make us human. No matter how much we like to think that we are rational beings, we are driven by our emotions, and countless studies back this up.

Rest assured that “kissing butt” has nothing to do with emotional intelligence, and emotional intelligence has everything to do with your success. EI is so critical to success that it accounts for 58 per cent of performance in all types of jobs.

Do yourself a favor and pick up one of dozens of excellent books that have been written on EI. With a bit of reading and a little practice, people will be wondering  how you became so successful. Unfortunately for them, they’ll think it has everything to do with your IQ, but you’ll know better!

Diversity and Cultural Competency

When I wrote my first diversity reflection, I limited myself to only observing the racial/ethnic backgrounds of my graduate school classes for I have encountered different classmates other than being filipinos but also from other nationalities. When I heard the word diversity, my mind immediately thought of ethnicity but diversity encompasses much more than that. It includes gender, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political beliefs, socio-economic status, learning styles, etc. I realized that I had a narrow perspective of diversity before our discussion at our Human Relations class which is basically my assigned report. I also realized that my class was more diverse than I had originally thought.

If I put aside the racial backgrounds of my classmates for a minute, there is a lot of diversity in the classroom that is not necessarily seen by the naked eye. In order for such diversity to be seen, one must get to know the students. The more I get to know my classmates, the more I can see just how different each one of them is. Each student has a different home life. Most of their parents are married but one student’s mother is currently in another country, the other has separated parents and has to breadwin her own life and her siblings, etc.  Each student has a different learning style. Each person has a different fashion sense. And the list of diversity continues...

The most important aspect of diversity is realizing that it does not just fit into one category. As an individual, it is my inititiative to discover the diversity among my classmates and celebrate them with each other. It is crucial that we establish a safe and welcoming classroom environment for every person no matter their backgrounds or situations. We must also create equality among the diversity. The earlier we learn to practice this in a smaller community, then by the time we shift to bigger one such as our workplace as a nurse, then we won't hang on for a longer time in the stage of shock. We can be able to adapt flexibly to the differences.

Many people believe that to be culturally competent, one has to learn a laundry lists of cultural tips that are unique for each culture.  My approach is different.  After many years of personal experience, I have come to the conclusion that there are general skills that can be taught to help someone be more culturally competent.

That is not to say that learning customs that are specific to a culture is not a good idea.  This shows a genuine effort and interests in the other and demonstrates open-mindedness and courtesy.  It is actually that effort and interest that is the first key to cultural competence.  Being able to express a respectful curiosity about other cultures and a wilingess to step outside of one’s own cultural perspective is essential to successful cross-cultural interactions.

When Charles Darwin wrote The Origin of Species back in 1859 he probably didn’t realize just how accurate he was when stating:

“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent ones, but the ones that are most receptive to change”

It means that those who are able to adapt to new challenges will survive in the long term. In this context “survival of the fittest” means your organizational responses to changes happening in the world. It literally means all important changes occurring around us – including a changed cultural reality. Adaptation is in other words at the center stage. The organizational ability to adapt to a new multicultural reality is in other words the difference between success or failure in the years to come.

Once you create this awareness, you open up to understanding other people’s cultural context. This can open lines of communication and lead to tremendously rewarding interactions and relationships.  I have had so many amazing experiences connecting with people different from myself.  These interactions were possible because I was willing to entertain other perspectives and admit when I did not understand something(this is not always easy for me to do).

So many of these experiences have helped me grow and have led to just plain fun and interesting adventures.

I encourage you to take some time to consider your own cultural context and how you might reach out and connect with someone different than you.  This diversity, complexity and free exchange of conflicting ideas and ideals is what makes our country so exciting and interesting.

Dealing with Difficult People

One of my Facebook friends subscribes to a site called “Message

From God . . . On this day, God wants you to know . . .”   One of the more recent messages was:

“… that difficult people are very important, – they teach you tolerance and acceptance.  If all was going your way all the time, you would become

a spoiled child, wouldn’t everyone?  Difficult people are just one of the ways God teaches.”

We all deal with difficult people, sometimes within our very own families. And with families gathering for the holidays, this can be a very stressful time.  How can we try to make this year different?  If we open ourselves to hear what God is telling us, what lessons can we learn?

Working with difficult People is about me or you. Because face it, at some point, each and every one of us is a difficult person. That’s the most important lesson to be learned. Even when the difficult person is someone else, there’s something to be learned about oneself.

I remember when I was in third grade walking to my P.E class asking my teacher, Mrs. Aguilar, the most perplexing question of my life, “Why are people mean?” This question was raised by me as part of my childhood experience being bullied by my classmates. She had no answer. I’ve been searching for it ever since.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m getting closer to understanding how to answer it.

So once again I ponder the questions I asked long ago. This time with much more experience, much more knowledge and maturity.

What have I come up with? People are often mean when bad things have happened to them. If people don’t address whatever hurt they feel right when it happens, it sits inside them and festers. It stays inside if they don’t deal with it and begins to slightly change. Well, then they turn that hurt into anger and they lash out at other people–people who probably had nothing to do with what hurt them. But what we have to understand is that it has nothing to do with us. Okay, sometimes we might provoke it, but the intensity, the whole of their anger, really is not about us. We can be compassionate and feel sad for them, maybe say a prayer if that’s your kind of thing, but just listen, hear them and then walk away. If nothing else, you can learn how you do not want to be. You can use it as an example of what not to do in your life. Don’t try to change them, don’t judge them. Just accept them as they are and move on. Focus on your own life and what you’re learning in your life. How you’re growing and changing and improving yourself. Indeed every encounter provides an opportunity to learn. So learn something if you can and let it go.

We will probably never really know why certain people are mean. But it’s not for us to know or for us to understand. It’s just important that we tolerate them and feel compassion for them. And don’t let it change who we are. We can’t let it pull us into a negative place where we return the meanness with our own jabs of anger. Let’s just keep our intentions pure.

My grandmother once said, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything.” Let’s live by that and focus on what’s good in our lives.

It might be tempting to wish that all difficult people would just disappear down some dark bottomless pit, but that’s no solution. There will always be difficult people in our lives. Always!!! We can’t run away from them. We can’t change them. But when we encounter them, we can choose to go deeper into our selves and find the soft spot within ourselves. Not to make ourselves more vulnerable, rather to remember who we are and feel the compassion in our hearts. Let their rage pass by us like a hot wind. Observe it as it flies past, but just let it fly. It will pass. Just give it time.

I always remind myself, “Every night I say, ‘I forgive myself for any mistakes I made today, I correct them, learn from them and then I let them go.’ The letting go part is especially important. When we choose to hang onto anger or turn it into resentment or bitterness, we start walking down the darker path. We, too, then have unresolved feelings festering inside us. So let go. Trust that it’s not up to us to deal with all the injustices in the world. But it is up to you to be the best YOU you can be. For today, choose to not be a difficult person.”

Personal Needs in the Workplace

Each of us is motivated by needs. We have learned in our BSN years that our most basic needs are inborn, having evolved over tens of thousands of years.  Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs states that we must satisfy each need level, starting with the first, biological and physiological needs, before we can begin to seek to satisfy the next level of need.  Only when the lower order needs of physical and emotional well-being are satisfied are we concerned with the higher order needs of influence and personal development.

Even if we have reached the highest need level of self actualization, our motivations can quickly change if our situation changes, such as going through a divorce or losing a job, so that lower level needs are no longer being met.

Recalling the Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the lowest level is Biological and Physiological needs which comprises the need of air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc. Second is the Safety needs which demands for protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc. Third level is Belongingness and Love needs which includes work group, family, affection, relationships, etc. Fourth is Esteem needs whic mainly involves self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc. The last and the highest level is Self-Actualization needs wherein an individual needs realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

The Hierarchy of Needs directly relates to the working environment and how to create a joyful workplace.  If an employer can meet the basic need levels of their employees and create self-actualization opportunities to provide real meaning, purpose and true personal development for their employees, a joyful workplace will be the result.

Now, the question is, "How can we integrate those needs to individuals when it comes to workplace?" I can suggest a few in my own perspective, but of course I am not certain if this actually met in most workplace case scenarios.

So, for Physiological Motivation: The boss can provide ample breaks for lunch and recuperation and pay salaries that allow workers to buy life’s essentials; Safety Needs: Provide a working environment, which is safe, relative job security, retirement benefits, and freedom from threats; Social Needs: Generate a feeling of acceptance, belonging, and community by reinforcing team dynamics; Esteem Motivators: Recognize achievements, assign important projects, and provide status to make employees feel valued and appreciated.  Offer job titles that convey the importance of the position; Self-Actualization: Offer challenging and meaningful work assignments, which enable innovation, creativity, and progress according to long-term goals.

I believe that the best employers and organizations are beginning to learn that sustainable success is built on a serious and compassionate commitment to helping people identify, pursue and reach their own personal unique potential – self-actualization.  When people grow as people, they automatically become more effective and valuable as employees. Virtually all personal growth, whether in a hobby, a special talent or interest, or a new experience, produces new skills, attributes, behaviors and wisdom that is directly transferable to any sort of job role.

But of course, trust is a basic element of fulfilling one’s Safety Needs, which is nearly the lowest level of the hierarchy.  Employees must trust that their jobs are secure and that there are no threats before they can think about joy in the workplace.  Likewise, trust also influences team dynamics and the feeling of acceptance and belonging in the workplace, which are needed to satisfy our Social Needs.  Without trust, employees will not be working at the highest levels of the hierarchy where joy is most prevalent.

Developing Teamwork and Managing Conflicts

Everywhere I look, the word team has been incorporated into the way that we do business. More and more, companies are assigning teams to do the work that used to be done by individuals. Why? It’s simple, teams produce the best results. All of us have had some sort of team experience whether it is through school, work, sports, or volunteering in hospitals. From a young age, we have always been taught, “there’s no I in team.” Well, I’m here to tell you that there is—only with a slight catch. Now, I’m not suggesting that the team is all about you, but there are some things you can do as a team member to ensure success for yourself, and for the group.

One of the big issues that plague teams is conflict. Many people have a fear of conflict and will try to avoid it at all costs. Too often, people will sit through a meeting and agree with every solution that is suggested because they are afraid to voice a different idea or point of view. This problem is evident when a strategy session that should last all day lasts only an hour. We all need to remember that it is our duty as team members to make sure everyone’s opinions are heard, and each issue is addressed in full. Conflict gives us the opportunity to take a close look at the issues and ask questions that help us develop quality solutions.

I truly believe that listening to people, in the majority of conflict situations helps to de-escalate things considerably; we all want to have confirmation that we have been understood. We can help guide an interaction in various ways. Many of us, because we are already tapped out from our busy lives, often choose the easy, and I’ll go ahead and say it, the LAZY route with people, even if the “resolution” is not the ideal. Sometimes we want to wrap things up as quickly as possible, and that is not always the most advantageous route, especially if we’re dealing with angry patients or co-workers wherein this situation is very common to us nurses. Just as active listening is important, so is effective speaking. How many times have you gotten in an argument and spewed out hateful words, only for those words to come back and haunt you later? It truly takes a humble man or woman to accept a tirade calmly and redirect it down a path towards collaboration. It’s not an easy task, and those who are effective in conflict/confrontational management are creating art when they smooth things out. Some people seem to have an innate ability, or fantastic social intelligence and display adeptness at diplomacy in pre-school. Nevertheless, it is something we can all learn, practice and improve upon!

I believe that choosing the right words in a situation can make all the difference. Granted, most of what you say is non-verbal, but a careless word can still incite rage and cause grief forever. I suggest that when we are trying to resolve an issue, state the problem carefully without focusing too much on the fact that there is a problem. Everyone is painfully aware there is an elephant in the room, which is why the conflict arose in the first place. We should show respect to the other party and speak for ourselves. We can try using open statements that encourage dialogue, as closed statements, or very definitive statements tend to shut things down quickly.

If you think back on the compromises you’ve made you’ll realize that most of the time no one got what they actually wanted. When we compromise, each person forgoes his or her own needs or opinions for the sake of the group. It’s like a couple who argues over which comedy movie to watch, and ends up suffering through a horror movie because it’s the only one they could agree on. Now how does this relate to teamwork? The next time you are faced with a difficult decision at work, take a minute to analyze the situation. Try to collaborate with the group you are working with so that you can incorporate each person’s needs and ideas into the solution. You will find that this method of conflict management will greatly enhance your team’s cohesion, and lead to more effective solutions. This may take a little bit more time and effort than a compromise, but the long-term benefits will be well worth it.

And of course, someone is not going to pop out from behind your desk, and grab you if you aren’t a good team member. However, your co-workers and superiors will definitely notice if you start to become a distraction for the team. The easiest way to deflect negative attention is to separate work from your personal life. Obviously, we all conduct our job with our personal emotions in mind, but we must draw the line on issues such as religion, politics, race, gender, and sexual preference. While these topics are okay to discuss at home, they should never enter the team environment. It only takes one comment, and other group members will shut down for the rest of the remaining stay of yours with the team. The best team members I’ve worked with are people who can self-monitor themselves, and leave their personal feelings and opinions out when works start. They made me feel comfortable about asserting myself, and they were the first people to notice if boundaries were crossed. I suggest that we all master this skill and you will find yourself admired by your colleagues, and in more team leadership roles.

I read a great little rule of thumb for effective speaking:

Say what you are going to say, say it, and say what you said.

This should help get your point across. If not, it’s time to shift gears, of course. De-escalation takes sensitivity and finesse, and inside you may feel like initiating the all-out beat-down. Nevertheless, cleverness can get you out of tight spots in managing conflict and aggressive behavior, and any time you can do that instead of fighting, it is usually the most desirable choice.

Conflict can be your friend, don’t avoid it. Work to satisfy everyone’s needs, don’t just compromise. Monitor your personal emotions, and focus on the task.

Teamwork should be an enjoyable and beneficial experience for everyone involved. As we begin our next team projects now or in the futures in our own lives, let’s all focus on strengthening our team skills to benefit the institution we are working in, the client, and ourselves.

Managing Stress and Personal Problems

We are pulled in many different directions in life. Be it a project at work, a bake sale for school, a volunteer opportunity, or you name it, we all seem to have less time to do more. And all these pressure and activity add to our stress and our blood pressure!

So how do we find time to take part in everything and still find time for ourselves and for our family? My answer--I don’t! It is time to just say, “NO!”

It Hurts to Say No. It is not so easy to say, “no”. The word “no” carries with it guilt associated with not being able to help a struggle against peer pressure and others impression of you, and a feelings of failure not being able to do all the things I may want.

But no worries. I just want to relax. I can’t do it all anyway. Nobody can. And anyone who you thought was doing it all, well, they weren’t actually. They were sacrificing things in their life all the way. We just didn’t see what they were sacrificing. They were saying no to other things to allow us to see their successes.

I know we all have goals in life. And hopefully, we are focused on what we really want. If so, the answer should be an easy one. However, saying “no” is the difficult part. Every time I say “yes,” I am taking time from my schedule and essentially saying “no” to something else in my life. So I don’t feel bad saying “no.” Saying no to new things can allow me to have time to concentrate on what is really important to me and keeps me from burnout, lowers my stress level, allows me more time for other things.

This is how I manage stress and problems. When I feel like it’s getting heavy and burn out, I just say “no”. But this doesn’t mean that I always do it everytime. There are just things that you really have to say “no” to.

But when should I say yes? I think that before I can even think about getting good at saying “no,” I should get clear on what to say “yes” to in life. If my “yes” is more time with my family, it will mean turning down obligations that keep my away from home. If it’s “yes” to better health, I’ll need to say “no” to late nights at work that keep me away from good sound sleep.

I believe the firmer the foundation and connection to your yes, the less difficult it will be to say no.

Sometimes I also get to ask if there are some times I should say, “Yes?” and I've observed that Of course there are times, but before I do say yes, I should consider myself asking this:

Does this fit my “Yes” objectives? Is it part of my life plan or my definite major purpose?

Is this something I really want to do? How does saying yes help me? How big is the commitment? How involved will I have to be? Will this event be something reoccurring and fit into my schedule at another time? What will happen if I say no? If I say yes, what will I have to give up doing to do this instead? And this is the KEY question-Am I being asked to do this job because I’m right for it or because I usually don’t say “No”?

As matured as we are now and as professionals we may call ourselves to be, we don’t have to be ashamed or feel guilty about saying, “no.” We should take pride in knowing we are remaining committed to our values and are doing what is important to us and our family. I believe that we’ll be stronger for it. Even better, we’ll be a more focused contributor to the people and things that matter to us most.

My ultimate secret: I am a Journal-Keeper

I have a best friend, therapist and personal organizer I take with me everywhere. It is compact, requires as little or as much time as I desire and is always ready to offer support, guidance, comfort, or laughter. It costs very little and never asks for anything in return, though I feel a yearning to be with it daily. I know it will never let me down. 
 

A journal -  can be far more than a place to record daily events or idle thoughts. Used purposefully, it can be a catalyst for personal growth, problem solving, and a path to creativity. When used for writing about upsetting events, journaling can actually improve immune system functioning, resolve stress, and provide psychological healing.

Most people keep a journal at some point in their lives, be it a teenage diary or an executive daily-planner. Others resist journal-keeping because they think they aren't good enough writers, that someone will read their private thoughts, or that they have much more important things to do. But once people put their reservations aside and make the journal a friend, they look forward to exploring with pen and paper.

From a practical standpoint, spending a few minutes on a daily or weekly basis putting your thoughts on paper enables you to evaluate your feelings and abilities and recognize areas of improvement. You may discover that you want to shift priorities, spend more time on things you value, or make major life changes. A journal can also be a place to be silly, out of character, and creative, without judgment from others. 

Rather than thinking of a journal as a diary where you merely relate the day's events, think of it as a space for self-reflection, self-expression, and self-exploration. There are no rules. Write as little or as much as you want, as frequently or infrequently as you desire, though I recommend taking a few minutes each day to put your thoughts on the page, creating a regular writing practice develops stronger organizational skills, such as list-making and time management. For me, regular writing in my journal eventually tapped a rich vein of creativity I had long-ago buried with an all-too-busy lifestyle. The important thing is just to express your thoughts without censorship.

Choose a notebook and writing instrument that feel good. 

Some people are inspired by an elegant bound notebook with fine paper. Others prefer a spiral-bound pad or loose-leaf sheets in a binder. Use your favorite pen, or make your entries on a computer. The benefits to journal-keeping are endless. A journal allows you self-expression without external judgment. It is the perfect tool for clarifying goals and organizing your workday. Expressing your emotions such as anger or sadness through writing releases the emotional pressure that builds up when you hold feelings inside. Many people feel calmer and spiritually at ease after a journal-writing session, and scientific studies show this can improve your health.

Writing about people you know will help you gain a better understanding of them and your related feelings. When you're furious with someone close to you, discharging raw emotion in the privacy of your journal enables you to work out solutions in advance rather than face to face in an irrational outburst. This often results in stronger relationships. 

When beginning a journaling session it helps to put yourself in the mood by closing your eyes, taking five deep breaths, and focusing your attention inward. Ask yourself "What am I feeling at this moment?" Jot down a few lines about what's on your mind. Then, you may want to use specific techniques to zone in on a subject or feeling. A few of my favorite techniques include: Using a springboard to focus your attention. Choose a topic, statement, question, or quotation and start writing about it. Examples: Why am I so upset? The most important thing to do today is... The thing that keeps haunting me is . . . 

Writing an unsent letter. Pretend you¹re writing a letter to someone telling them what you like, or dislike, about him or her. Because a journal is private and safe, you can write things that you could never say in person. By releasing pent-up hostile feelings, you can clear issues and strengthen your relationship without saying things out loud that could ruin a relationship. The undelivered letter can also clarify your feelings and offers a safe place to tell the truth without expressing it in person. 

Creating dialogues. Another way to express deep feelings is to write about them, then write in the imagined voice of the other person, much like a movie script. Dialoguing cultivates both empathy and creativity. Most people gain valuable insights when they let their imaginations roam this way. You can also dialogue with different aspects of yourself to resolve inner conflict or confusion. For example, writing a dialogue between the voice of confusion and the voice of your intuitive self can clarify your thoughts. 

 

Capturing moments. Write a description of an experience that was truly intense and memorable. Immerse yourself in the past moment and fill the page with physical and emotional detail. Doing this recreates your body's physiological response to an enjoyable event and promotes the healing effects of being happy. Most people report they feel refreshed and energized after writing about their favorite moments. 

 

Designing your future. Imagine yourself one month from now then one year from now. Where are you now? Where do you want to be? Define your dreams and goals. Write every detail of what you want your life to be like. How will you feel when these dreams and goals are realized? What are some of the things you can do to get there? The words will awaken your intuitive and creative wisdom, which, in turn, will help you make better decisions.

Using a journal for self-discovery, personal growth, clarifying life goals, and accessing creative flow makes a notebook more than just a record of life--it becomes a treasured confidant and friend.